Me Me Me Me Me Me

You know, sometimes, it really is all about me. I could try and lie and say that I am a fairly generous spirit, a good listener, a people person - but lets face it, only OTHER people can truly say that about someone, you cannot say it about yourself. Where is this leading, I don't know.

Actually, I do know, my mind just went on a little tangent. The other night, I was listening to a CD and I thought to myself "oh my GOD! These lyrics are about me." Now I was not thinking this in a "don't you love it when you can totally 'get' what an artist is trying to say" or a "I totally connect with this song" kind of way - no, I really was under the impression that I was the "you" in the song....maybe because I know the songwriter...see - all about me. SO? Conundrum. Should I ask? No. I mean, its easier (and more fun) to just assume....isn't it.

Two more sleeps and I am off on my trip abroad. Its going to be fab! Once again, all about me...but then again, who else would it be about?

Mandy Warhol

Say no more. No really, say no more.

Slap Happy!

I slapped a man last night....and it felt good.

Allow me to elaborate, seconds before going on stage last night for an impro show I am performing in, my colleague Cale Bain said "If any one of you ladies is going to slap me in a scene, really slap me, I mean, feel free to have a go...." So I did. It was quite fairly exhilirating actually....

I have only ever slapped one other person and, due to the emotional circumstances under which said slap eventuated, I cannot actually remember what it felt like - afterall I had just been pushed against a wall by a male friend, called a slut and narrowly escaped having my face raped....(what can I say? I was young and not a great judge of character!?!)

So without further ado, I say thank you Cale Bain. Thank you for putting your cheek out there to feel the weight of my hand - oh yeah, and I hope your jaw has stopped clicking.

Positively Negative

I had my first ever pregnancy scare this week.

It was not so much that I thought I was pregnant but that I thought about "being" pregnant....and I was frightened.

I am so completely committment-phobic that the idea of being pregnant, which would ultimately suggest a man in my life, brought on a panic attack of sorts.....I am sure one day I will meet someone that I am so enamoured with that I will look back on my thoughts of today and laugh.....but not yet.

Meanwhile, my days of carefree splendour continue and the countdown to the "AB: Lightning Tour" is on - 17 days to go.

AB and AB

I just realised that Arj Barker and I are both AB's. Not that this is some sort of profound discovery or anything, but its just something I suddenly noticed when reading his blog about being in Letterkenny. This is only remotely of interest because I have also been to Letterkenny - its in County Donegal in the top end of Ireland. They have a HUGE Tesco there....which makes shopping fun. Especially since in Oz we cannot buy our alcohol in the same aisle as our biscuits.
Anyway, I thought to myself, "oh Arj, we have so much in common, like Letterkenny and our initials." OK, so thats only two things in common. How many do you have? OK, so probably more than two....it was just something that I thought of. And two is better than one, and SO much better than none.
I like this photo of Arj and I because I have good hair and we are both wearing happy colours. His hoodie was really soft and smelt of fabric softener actually, I found myself in a strange moment where I was feeling the fabric of the aforementioned hoodie and Arj was like "yeah, its soft man" - and then we both realised the time for me to stop touching him had come....and gone....and I was still touching him. Ahhh memories.

Nothing more than feelings

This week, I have experienced the following emotions....

- Anxiety
- Jealousy
- Lust
- Guilt
- Joy
- Delight
- Frustration
- Giddy
- Content

Its been a good week.

Amen!

Things you don't want to hear....

Actually, that title should read:

"Things you don't want to hear said about you" or more specifically, "Things I don't want to hear said about me"....or if its possible "Things not to say at my funeral"

- "She was larger than life." This is a euphemism for something else surely, and its usually used when one has died, choking on a sandwich or similar. I really do not like that phrase at all.

- "She gave it her all" or "She always did things to the best of her ability" - again, a euphemism for "she was crap but tried". Not comforting words.

- "I think I still have a CD/DVD/book of hers" - Give it back. I am still alive.

Dear Julia - I am sorry.

I am not normally a competitive woman. That said, if I am going to be competitive, it would usually be over something that I would have a pretty darn good chance in winning. If by chance it was a competition with one particular being, chances are that being would be a person that I have met or am realistically competing against.

Julia Davis does not know me. Nor does she know that I even have a grudge with her. Well, its not a grudge really, its just that she is the girlfriend of the man I love. Well, when I say love, I mean, you know, the kind of love you have for a man you have never met but have seen on the tele and think he is a bit of alright.

Julia Davis is the girlfriend of Julian Barratt, from The Mighty Boosh. My first reaction (because of course one does have a reaction upon hearing the news that some guy they are never likely to meet is dating a woman they are never likely to meet and so never really having any impact upon their life at all) was to think that surely a couple who share the same shortened name ie. Jules, would never last. Then I had to question what it was he could possibly see in her.... and then well, I found out.

Wanting to know who had won the affection of the man that I would never marry (or even meet) I did a google search (what? We ALL do it) and was directed to the television series Nighty Night. My questions were answered.

Julia Davis is goddamn hilarious. And a bit of a comic genius. If we had of met under different circumstances (well, if we had even met)I am sure we would have been friends. I feel I may even owe her an apology, as quite frankly, I was well out of order to doubt that Julian Barratt could possibly be with anyone else.

So let me take this opportunity to apologise - I am sorry Julia. In fact, without sounding too schmaltzy, you are my hero. When I grow up I want to be just like you. Nighty Night is up there in my list of all-time funniest and cleverest things to be entertained by. You rock. I am sorry. I hope you and Julian are very happy together.

Mea Culpa
Amanda

Whats the frequency Kenneth?

So I am working in a new office...one that I am not usually accustomed to and one where I have had to abdicate my power over the office radio.
As the newcomer, I have no say as to the frequency and I must say, I am unhappy.

My checkered employment history (18 jobs in total - some lasting only a few hours) has seen me quit jobs for many a petty reason, choice of radio station being one of them.

As I am a guest in this current office, I am hesistant to cause a fuss... at present I have taken to bringing in my iPod or CD's to play on my computer, making it obvious that I object to Huey Lewis and his News.

This glitch aside, I am sure given my powers of purchasing in said office, that when I switch their standard tea to Irish Breakfast, my smile will be a lot less forced.

Meanwhile, in other areas of my life, I am being kept awake at night by Luke and his crazy girlfriend (name withheld due to not knowing it) who live across the street and have a nightly argument where it seems Luke is obviously ruining his girlfriends life by breathing or something equally as sinister, forcing her to run into the street screaming "Luke....why are you doing this to me????"

This forces me to ask "Luke? Why are you doing this to ME??????"

Long live rock'n'roll.

The Daily Chent

My friend Lee Rainbow invented a word - chent. It is a verb meaning to chat and vent at the same time.
Here is my chent today:

1) I found another grey hair today. This scares me as I colour my hair, in fact I have not had my natural hair colour since 2001 when I shaved all the coloured hair off, and that only lasted until my hair was long enough to colour again....my point? That I could be walking around with a full head of grey hair and don't even know it!

2) I had to prove to a work colleague today that the word "mischievious" does not actually exist and that he has been mispronouncing "mischievous" (like SO many others) his entire life. Mrs Lawler had zero tolerance for that mispronunciation, a lesson at age 14 I would never forget.
Thank you Mrs Lawler.

3) In my workplace I have to walk through a MALE change room to get to the rest of the office - surely that doesn't sound so bad. Well, considering the fact that most of the 60 men I work with are my fathers age, I would have to say that walking in on the daily shower run is not an event I try to stage - indeed, I could very well be put off men for the rest of my hair-greying existence if I have yet another run-in with a shirtless colleague ....

That is my chent for today. Thanks for letting me get a few things off my chest. I feel better. I hope you do too.

Something for everyone

I know I am probably being naive and you are all very aware that the Independant Order of Odd Fellows is a very reputable, well known organisation that do great work for the community ... I myself am not aware of this and so will resort to making fun of their name.

Then again, why can't the Odd Fellows have their own Order???? Who am I to judge?
(Though I won't stop any of you from judging.)

I saw this place down in Adelaide, BTW, whilst visiting my sister and bro-in-law and my newphew. I recommend checking Adelaide out, give it a chance, have a go.

There are lots of Lutherans there too.

Daily Affirmations

Ok, so .... the quote on todays desk calendar comes from a William Osler -

"It is much more important to know what sort of patient has a disease than what sort of disease a patient has..."

Now, I'm no Joe Science BUT hello? I am pretty sure I could not give any less of a damn whether my doctor knows that I like Jane Austen novels ... I'm wanting to know what that rash is and what I can take for it.......or is that just me? Food for thought at 7.43am.

Oh and I don't have a rash.

Its gone now.

I'm joking - I never had one.

I didn't.

Like none of you have ever had a rash.

Shut up!

Nannageddon

School holidays.
Supermarkets.
Oh dear.

Today I told a child (not my own) to "get down from there" and another to "stop touching all the apples" - I have prematurely nanna'd myself.

Scarily enough, its not the first time - over the weekend, I called a young man of about 12 "charming" as he spat on the footpath.

When did I stop being cool. (lets assume collectively that there was a time when I was cool...) Its got to stop.

Warm Milo anyone?

if you're happy and you know it....

Yes, you know how it goes!

So, I was just reading Arj Barkers blog and he recently went to see Radiohead. I have to agree with Arj on many things - Radiohead are a must-see live band. They rock like there's no tomorrow, then tug at your heart strings and make you question everything you thought you believed then throw some rock action at you again. Before you know it you are buying the TShirt and signing up to the Johnny Greenwood is God fansite.

I love live music. The whole bit. The last gig I went to was Belle and Sebastian. Man, how good are they. I had no idea what to expect, as this was the first time I was seeing them and you don't really get photos of the band with their CDs or much to go on by their film clips.

They were just magic. They also have a lot of songs that you cannot help but clap along to - and they are very happy to start a bit of a group clap along - you know, where the guitar is just left hanging for a moment while your man out front claps his hands above his head until we all join in. This happened a few times and I was smiling and bopping away, clapping my hands up high....that is of course until that moment when the clapping dies down and you realise that you are the only one still clapping. If you stop immediately, the people with the funky haircuts around you will know that you could not handle being alone out there in the clapping stakes - no you cannot just stop. You have to let your own clapping die down too, then quickly replace it with some sort of little dance that requires your hands so that the funky haircut people think nothing more than you were ready to progress from the group clap to your own little dance because you march to your own drum....in which case by this stage the front man is letting his guitar hang again and leading the crowd in a mass clap-along.

I am intimidated by people with funky haircuts.

So clap your hands.

10 weeks and counting!

I must be crazy. Or bored. Or just so free from commitment that I feel the need to justify my carefree ways by doing something carefree. Because that is exactly what I have done. Or decided to do. As in I have decided to do something carefree....

After an early morning phonecall from the other side of the world, I have been coaxed to spend a paltry sum of dollars and get my behind over to Dublin in order to join some friends for a weekend in Venice.

Talk about an adrenaline rush....within 24 hours I have booked five flights (heck - if I am going to Dublin, I might as well visit my mate in Amsterdam and end the trip with a London West End show - you'd do the same surely.) Now, I just have to sit and wait for the time to pass and pack my things for the "AB Lightning Tour!" I cannot wait.

In the meantime, I think I am reaching a fork in the road, or a corner that needs turning or something. I am incredibly restless at the moment. Slightly disatisfied with administration work - don't get me wrong, I still get excited by a cleared "in tray" - but the rewards are few and far between....I kinda feel like everything should be moving at a very fast pace and that there are things in the post, alas, I am a tad on the stagnant side of motion at present with the only promise of excitement being the end of financial year....

Thank god for the passing of time and the countdown of ten weeks until the Lightning Tour....

Maybe I should stop listening to Morrisey for a while. Now where did I put that Funky Soul Sister CD???

It Used To Be About the Music

So, I realise I am getting old. I have always known, what with the passing of time, that I would grow in age but the signs are becoming more and more obvious.

I learnt recently about a new kind of music, a new genre if you will. Emo music. I heard it mentioned a few weeks ago and I passed it off as being a lame name for a band, little was I to know that a whole sub-culture was forming under this lame title.

How could I not know about a whole new kind of music. I am very musical - I have hundreds of CDs, and yet, there nestled in between popular and heavy metal/thrash was this new section. How had I missed it?

On closer inspection of course, I realise that maybe I had subconsciously missed it because it is entirely unlistenable. At least complaint rock sounds just like what it is. Its a little whiney and a little whingy but it rocks out. Emo? Huh?

I wonder how the bands/singer/song writers feel about it all. Garage days spent with electric guitars and posters of Kiss or The Beatles dreaming of the future....only to write some fluff with a bit of distortion on it under the banner of Emo music.

I really am getting old.

Satan, Santa and so on.

You would have to have been hiding under a rock not to know that the significant date of 06.06.06 recently passed us by - afterall every radio station and news program reported on it in completely original and interesting styles. Needless to say it was more talked about in my office than the weekly "footy tipping results" which I have to say draw even more yawns from me than the topic of the so-called day of the devil.

What I found interesting about this day however, was the car accident I was involved in. Sydney has recently had incredibly wet weather, so you know, the chances of ploughing into the rear end of a ute has been that so much higher. And if by chance you are me, and you are listening to yet another report on the radio about how Satan is coming, and you chuck a little tantrum about how sick and tired you are about being forced to listen to yet another disc jockey put his spin of hilarity onto the subject than the chances of you ploughing into the rear end of a ute is no longer a chance - its a certainty.

And that is exactly what happened. Whilst throwing my hands into the air to show disgust at the radio, the ute with the huge tow-bar in front of me came to a dead stop. I slammed on my brakes of course, but what with the excess of water on the road, my dead stop was about a metre too late.

The other driver pulled over so that we could access the damage and as he got out of his car he said, "Well, what else would you expect on the 06.06.06?" (Well, I would not have expected anything as original as that!)

Low and behold when we checked both vehicles, there was no damage. Unless you consider a scratch on my front bumper damage - which seeing as I had just been stopped by a utility tow-bar, I don't. So much for the day of the dark lord - I was feeling pretty damned chuffed!

As if to soldify my good fortune for the day, I was treated not five minutes later to a Santa sighting. Its true. Father Christmas is working the off season, driving a cab around Sydney. Maybe you don't believe me, but what else could I expect on the 06.06.06?

The whole "Scotch Girl" thing...

So back in 2000 I went to the States. It was a great trip and I went with my awesome pal Becks. One of our stops was Las Vegas and while we were there we checked out a show that was playing in the casino Circus Circus, which was where we were staying. We had to find our way to the venue and so enquired at the information desk...the conversation went like this:

AB (me) - "Hey how are you? I'm looking for the comedy show that's on tonight..."

Lady - "Oh my God! A Scotch girl!"

AB - "Uh sorry?"

Lady - "You're a Scotch girl!"

AB - "Ummm, no actually, I'm Australian."

Lady - "Honey, I know a Scotch person when I hear one....Ken! Ken! Come listen to the Scotch girl!""

Obviously, she didn't know a Scotch person when she heard one...I imagine she also didn't know a Scottish person when she heard one.

And that is the Scotch Girl thing.

Why Blog?

Well why not. I figure, if I can blame the fact that I had a pack a day smoking habit on peer pressure, then I can plead the same here - everyone else seems to have one.

Though, I did quit smoking five years ago (not counting when I get drunk and have one and then swear blind I will never have another, until five months later I get drunk again ... see the pattern. Though I get drunk plenty without having one...HEY! Don't judge me!) so you know, I may quit this soon enough.

I am currently cat sitting for my friends Lee and Marlo. Lee said I could use his computer and I was all like "Uh, no, I am sure I will not touch it..." and well, I could not help myself.

And no, I am not scottish.