Woah is me.

Swings and roundabouts. Sunshine and lollipops. Tears and laughter. Worry and relief.
The last six weeks have seen me oscillate wildly between many a polarised emotion. I mean, if I could indulge myself some dramatics for a few minutes, lets just say its been the best of times and its been the worst of times. (I did said "indulge" and "dramatic"...)

Not to go into too much detail (because where is the drama in facts?) I have of late been wallowing in my own self pity. Thinking about rejection, the dark scary future, the lack of a dark scary future and of course, my shuffling off this mortal coil. Not that its been all doom and gloom - I have of recent times shared some of the happiest moments with people I love - from crazy Holly Golightly adventures with my sometime George Peppard, skipping through the streets of Melbourne and running through the Sydney rain, to agreeing to all-nighters of writing with Susie and crashing through our writers block, laughing ourselves silly and dreaming the big dreams.
Oh its not all bad news.

So where did all these negative musings come from? (I'll remind you of the aforementioned "indulge" and "dramatic") After way too much introspection I found myself focusing on all the rejections I have suffered. The "you're nothing like your sister" comments. The "we forgot to tell you" parties I found out about on Monday mornings. The "I really just think of you as a friend" knock backs. The "are you still fat?" queries from my agent. The "how fat?" follow ups from same agent. The "you're not Jewish enough", the "oh I got married, didn't you know", the "my ex is having a baby and I am the father" conversations. Lets just say spending too much time on these kind osf thoughts isn't great for ones emotional state.

And what with my chest pains (which have eased thanks to massage) and the lump I found in my neck (which resulted in my having to stand semi naked yet again in front of medical practitioners and have my boobs kneaded rather forcefully. NB. treat every visit to the doctors like a date. Wear the better underwear and remove excess body hair. Even if you think you are only seeing about a lump in your NECK!) have made me think "what if I die?" which leads to "one day I will die!" which leads to "what if there's nothing after all this?" and then "what would I regret?" and the inevitable "what am I going to do about it?"

Around about this time (somewhere between bottles of red wine and chocolate and dare I say it, romantic comedies - damn you The Holiday you stupid stupid movie.) I saw a man with severe disabilities walking across the road. It would have been hard enough for him to walk. You could see how much of an effort it was just getting across the road - but he was also carrying a heap of shopping. (I of course wondered why he didn't just catch a bus.....but then I was missing the point....) I thought, Buck up Buckers. You really don't have it that bad. Remember the skipping through Melbourne? Remember running through the rain in Sydney? Didn't you get to smooch a handsome charming man recently? How about when you and Susie shook on a deal and you gave her an electric shock? Hey haven't you got a trip to Ireland planned soon? A family that really love you?

Yeah I do remember all of that.

And the lump is apparently just fat. (I must remember to tell my agent!)