Soup de jour

Over the weekend I made soup.
Hearty Italian Lentil soup.
I ate it for dinner.
I ate it for lunch.
Then I ate it for dinner again and today, I was having it for lunch.
Well, I thought I was.

My delicious hearty lunch, through butter fingers and fart arsing around ended up not in my belly but mainly on the kitchen floor.
As I cleaned up my mess, knelt down, paper towels in hand, a co-worker said "Did you spew up?"
No, that was my lunch before it went down. (Though, it was a fair comparison....the soup not as appetising as I once imagined....)

Resorting to some whinging and tantrum throwing, all was made well in the world by a caramello koala and a revisit to text message shenanigans. Thank goodness for my simple, easily distracted brain.

And in another update, I finally exchanged my mismatched/sized ugg boot. Now I have a brand spanking new size 8 for my left foot, and a nicely worn in -stretched and moulded size 8 for my right foot. Oh the drama that is my life!

Words of Inspiration

Todays calendar quote comes from one Eric Burdon (former lead singer of The Animals) :

You've got to create a dream. You've got to uphold the dream. If you can't, then
bugger it. Go back to the factory, or back to the desk.

Hmmm, what ever happened to "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again."

I hear music

Every now and then we play Spicks and Specks in our office using whatever dodgy music we can find....

Todays dodgy song "I Remember You" by Skidrow.

Brilliant.

And I am instantly happy

Woah is me.

Swings and roundabouts. Sunshine and lollipops. Tears and laughter. Worry and relief.
The last six weeks have seen me oscillate wildly between many a polarised emotion. I mean, if I could indulge myself some dramatics for a few minutes, lets just say its been the best of times and its been the worst of times. (I did said "indulge" and "dramatic"...)

Not to go into too much detail (because where is the drama in facts?) I have of late been wallowing in my own self pity. Thinking about rejection, the dark scary future, the lack of a dark scary future and of course, my shuffling off this mortal coil. Not that its been all doom and gloom - I have of recent times shared some of the happiest moments with people I love - from crazy Holly Golightly adventures with my sometime George Peppard, skipping through the streets of Melbourne and running through the Sydney rain, to agreeing to all-nighters of writing with Susie and crashing through our writers block, laughing ourselves silly and dreaming the big dreams.
Oh its not all bad news.

So where did all these negative musings come from? (I'll remind you of the aforementioned "indulge" and "dramatic") After way too much introspection I found myself focusing on all the rejections I have suffered. The "you're nothing like your sister" comments. The "we forgot to tell you" parties I found out about on Monday mornings. The "I really just think of you as a friend" knock backs. The "are you still fat?" queries from my agent. The "how fat?" follow ups from same agent. The "you're not Jewish enough", the "oh I got married, didn't you know", the "my ex is having a baby and I am the father" conversations. Lets just say spending too much time on these kind osf thoughts isn't great for ones emotional state.

And what with my chest pains (which have eased thanks to massage) and the lump I found in my neck (which resulted in my having to stand semi naked yet again in front of medical practitioners and have my boobs kneaded rather forcefully. NB. treat every visit to the doctors like a date. Wear the better underwear and remove excess body hair. Even if you think you are only seeing about a lump in your NECK!) have made me think "what if I die?" which leads to "one day I will die!" which leads to "what if there's nothing after all this?" and then "what would I regret?" and the inevitable "what am I going to do about it?"

Around about this time (somewhere between bottles of red wine and chocolate and dare I say it, romantic comedies - damn you The Holiday you stupid stupid movie.) I saw a man with severe disabilities walking across the road. It would have been hard enough for him to walk. You could see how much of an effort it was just getting across the road - but he was also carrying a heap of shopping. (I of course wondered why he didn't just catch a bus.....but then I was missing the point....) I thought, Buck up Buckers. You really don't have it that bad. Remember the skipping through Melbourne? Remember running through the rain in Sydney? Didn't you get to smooch a handsome charming man recently? How about when you and Susie shook on a deal and you gave her an electric shock? Hey haven't you got a trip to Ireland planned soon? A family that really love you?

Yeah I do remember all of that.

And the lump is apparently just fat. (I must remember to tell my agent!)

Ugh.

I bought a new pair of slippers yesterday.

Well by slippers I mean Ugg Boots.

And by Ugg Boots I mean Peter Alexanders Home Boots.

And by bought I mean invested.

And by that I mean they are not exactly cheap.....but they are cute and funky and heck, I wanted them.

So I put them on as soon as I got home. I danced around my bedroom in them. I danced around the loungroom in them. I mopped the floor in them. I put the rubbish out in them. I spilt tea on them. And then I noticed....

THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT SIZES. The right is a comfy size 8. The left is a roomy size 10.

But its too late now, I cannot take them back as I have clearly, in the course of one night, worn them in.

Ugh.

Pass the paper bag please.

I just got an email from Susie - "Fringe applications close June 13th" - and just like that my breath has been knocked out of me.

When did I become so anxious? I mean, its usually as a result of something exciting about to happen, but still, I could do without all the panic attacks.

Looking back on past posts, I can see them all lined up - anxiety over travel (to exciting destinations where friends and adventures await), over shows (that see happy revellers laughing and enjoying themselves at festivals around the country), over my job (which pays the bills, serves the community and gives me paid leave for things like the travelling and the shows), over men (who surprise me romantically on my birthday and give knee trembling kisses and reasons to grin like a foolish fool) - its a little disturbing.

And what with the long weekend coming (the man), August around the corner (the travel) and the Melbourne Fringe festival (we should really start writing that show) I am not sure my nervous system can survive all this good fortune!

AND WHY DO I STILL HAVE CHEST PAINS???????

24

After a crazy month long countdown, there is only 1 sleep to go.

24 more hours to wait.

I am already crazy nervous and excited. Too much anticipation perhaps? No, just the perfect amount.

Happy Birthday Flash!

A heck of a lot to smile about

This is one of those posts that is all about me reminding myself how good I have it and to stop whingeing and moaning like a old whingey moaner.

So here is what is going on in my little world that turns my frown upside down (and distracts me from my annoyingly still present chest pains - damn you medicine!!!!)

• Susie and I are making our Comedy Channel debut this week when a Gala we performed in is being aired. We did about 5 minutes of material and then sang our song about premature ejaculation. I am both full of bliss and dread - my parents are going to hear the song for the first time. Oh my.
• Scrabble Unscripted had its crazy successful swansong a few weeks ago. It was sad to say this current goodbye to a show that launched us into the festival scene and saw some very important relationships, both personally and professionally, develop. It was a huge show and a fitting send off - something I know us Scrabblers are very proud of.
• I have my very own stalker (hi Paul!) which is very exciting. By stalker of course I don't mean in a creepy, intrusive, scared to put out the rubbish kinda way. More in a google search, post a comment, friends on facebook kinda way. See, nothing wrong about that right?
• There is only just over a week until I am Melbourne bound and in the company of my favourite gent to celebrate his birthday. 9 sleeps. I am very very excited!!
• To help with the wait until my Melbourne visit, I have been and am about to be visited by Melbourners....so lovely to see faces from happy times in my home town. I have had a weekend of smiles with Ben McKenzie who cannot help but make the world a lovelier place and this weekend I am joined by Janelle Koenig - my personal style guru (thanks to a VERY successful shopping day full of laughs and charges to my credit card.)

So with so much to smile about, how can I let a little thing like my potential expiration from chest pains worry me? I mean, if I go, I go with a lot to be happy about....and you all know I love you right? Right? Well, buck up then Buckley and get ready, you've got a house guest coming in two days and an empty fridge, not to mention a load of washing to get through, running the vacuum over the flat wouldn't be a bad idea either ... now stop you're moaning and hop to it!

Shirley You Can't Be Serious?

Last night I fell asleep while playing "Shirley Bassey Love Songs". Instead of having lovely dreams about love and romance or intrigue and espionage (as would be the theme of many a Bassey song) the impact of the Shirley was much more subtle.
In every conversation I was a part of in my dreaming state last night, I found I could only communicate in a Shirley Bassey belt.

I may just try it in the daylight - I mean, that woman knows how to pronounce a T and a D and a little bit of vibrato never hurt anyone right?

Karma

"Hey how are you?"

"well, thanks, how are you?"

{Insert sneeze here}

"Sick." she pulls a tissue from somewhere under her bra strap, blows her nose and tucks the tissue into her bra again. "What can I get for you?"

At that moment I should have said "nothing. You can get me nothing. Your healthy co-worker over there though, well he can make me a toasted chicken cheese and avocado sandwich thanks."
But I didn't. I placed my order with her. And she, being the diligent sandwich maker she was, made the sandwich. She stopped to sniff, and then put the sandwich in the press.

"Thats $8.50".

Wow. An expensive sandwich. The avocado cost extra and the toasting cost extra, I wonder if she also charged me for the terrible bout of illness I will surely suffer within the next few days.

As she hands me over my germ ridden lunch, I say "Thanks, hope you feel better."

She sniffs once more, "Thanks. I think I will go home now."

Damn. If only I had not pushed the little old lady out of the way to get my lunch first.....

Bloody karma!

Its getting better all the time...

On the weekend I am going to the Christening of the son of an old school friend of mine.

I am really looking forward to sharing the day with him and his wife and I have kept in relatively good touch with Chris, although mainly by email. I am a little nervous though, as I imagine two of the guests will be my ex-best friend who I used to think I was in love with, and the girl he knocked up when we were possibly embarking on the beginnings of a relationship.
This was years and years ago now, there have been a lot of tears, some angry episodes, heated discussions and avoidance's since, but its been a while since I have seen them. They have had a son, broken up, gotten back together, broken up, gotten engaged, planned a wedding, cancelled a wedding, broken up and gotten back together in that time...
If you had of asked me five years ago would I still want to be with him, the answer would have been a stupid yes. Nothing could be further from the truth now.
I was devastated for such a long time by it when it all happened, and I know people have gone through a lot worse, but I really felt like I would never find anyone remotely like him.
I hope that's true. I never want to find anyone remotely like him. And I could not be better for having gone through it all. As a result of my heart being broken, I vowed to just "go for it" and found myself singing, travelling, improvising, laughing, dancing and being HAPPY. All of this AND my heart has fluttered again....good good times indeed.
However, like any female, I have begun to get a little nervy at the thought of seeing the two of them again - I asked a mutual friend ".....how does she look?" (Like ANY female!) My friend replied "Oh you have NOTHING to worry about. She's packed it on." (Like ANY good friend).

Its incredibly shallow of me I know and I hope one day to grow out of this, but I'm now looking forward to seeing her.

Is that all there is????

Its over. All that anticipation, preparation, excitation....and now? Nothing.

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2008 has been and gone.

In 2006, a little show called Scrabble Unscripted went down to Melbourne for 6 shows only. We were so wide eyed and full of wonder. We partied til 5am EVERY morning and flyered our hearts out and finished our week knowing we would be back but that the next time we would stick out the entire month.

In 2007, we came back. It was a hard slog. The daily flyering, the nightly parties, the nervousness, the fledgling romance....a pretty overwhelming month - so tiring but so completely rewarding. I have some of my most favourite memories from that month. Rehearsing dance moves for Flashdance, singing to a room bursting with people dancing on tables, riding a Ferris wheel with a few hundred people cheering me on, getting our first 4 star review, being kissed by my festival crush and then walking into a telegraph pole..... bliss.

And now, 2008, its all over for another year. We worked really hard this year - I did 3 different shows totally 30 performances. There were great nights, good nights and nights I have wiped clean from my mind....so many friendly faces I was happy to see again, new friendly faces I look forward to seeing again and so many new memories that make me instantly smile, giggle and even a little teary. Ahhh, my Melbourne love affair continues.....bring on 2009.

Things that make me go huh?

I normally work in maintenance depots. These are usually demountable style buildings in the middles of yards filled with trucks, aggregrates, dirty men in dirty work clobber. You know, maintenance depots.

Today however, I am working out of head office in the City. So this is a more corporate environment, there is a dress code, people don't seem to hold meetings around the smoko bin, and there is considerably less swearing.

What should disturb me then? Here where the seats are not covered in unidentified stains, that given I work in the sewer industry, could actually be excrement.
Well, what I find disturbing is the massive "how to wash your hands" posters in all the bathrooms.
Seriously.
1) Using soap dispenser, place a small amount of soap on your hands.
2) Turn water on and lather soap into your hands.
3) Rub hands together to remove dirt and germs.
4) Rinse, from fingertips to wrist, the soap from your hands.
5) Turn water off.
6) Using a hand toll from hand towel dispenser, dry hands.
7) Dispose soiled towel in bin.

What is the world coming to?????

Alexander Graham Bell, I salute you!

My 3 yr old nephew Jackson called me last night.
It was pretty much the best phone call I have ever had in my life. We talk on the phone quite a bit, but this was the first time he has requested to call me.
He got a new car.
Its silver and very fast.

I reckon it sounded pretty cool myself.

So thank you, Mr Bell.

Note to self:

If and when I start to feel all whingey and whiney and woe is me, remember how I feel right now....pretty bloody happy.

Why?

Happy weekends away, The Supper Inn, Spaghetti Bolognaise, Rare collectables still in their original "touch me" packaging, The Mighty Boosh, Tanqueray, Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, fine dining and great red wine (followed by superb dessert wine) and guilt-free extra serves of Belgian Chocolate Sauce.

Thats why.

News Flash?

Is it just me, or is Billy Elliot just a remake of Flashdance?

I mean, the audition scenes are almost identical, and sure Alex was a Welder and Billy was the son of a Miner and well, Alex was a stripper of sorts and well, Billy a school kid - but come on!!!

COME ON!!!!!

And the (heart) beat goes on....

OK, so I am still alive.

I went to the Doctors last week to check out the weird heart/tingles/neck pain that has steadily continued though more neck and arm pain than heart nowadays. Of course, just to be safe, I was sent for an ECG which is where they stick all the things on your chest and check your heart out.

Anyway, not having had one before I was expecting to have to go shirt off, but when I commented on the fact that "I should have worn my best bra" the woman in charge politely said I would be losing that too.

So, standing topless and having the likes of electrodes strapped to my torso was not exactly the way I imagined Valentines Day this year - but I did get a bit of a feeling up when my breast was lifted up (without warning or consultation) so a sensor could be placed there. Yes, the joy of the ample bosom.

Of course it should have been a quick procedure, but instead, as I was meant to be having the sensors removed the woman noticed something was not right, "Oh, my left is your right.... sorry I will have to start again" ... and the boob is touched yet again without warning.

Finally she has it sorted its, underway and then its over, but not before her daughters engagement party photos are presented to me and explained in full "Roses were just too pricey this close to Valentines Day", while I am still topless, pretending to be cool about it, waiting for the sticky spots to be removed.

The following day was less eventful, neck x-rays. Of course I still had to go topless, but they were nice enough to give me one of those tissue-like robes to wear.

I should find out what the hell is wrong with me tomorrow.

All that aside however, I was made incredibly happier by a wonderful weekend complete with an unexpected visit, a kinda swanky hotel stay, a joyous get together with dazzling city views, a smooch or two, a lovely wedding sneek-peek, brunches, coffees, gossips and beers.

A good weekend for sure.

I know its Valentines Day, but this is ridiculous!!

Love. A welling in the chest. Heart skips a beat. Butterflies in your belly....Tingly sensations all over.

OR

The first signs of a heart attack.

Just to be sure, I am off to the doctors to rule it out.

Seriously.

Like am I destined to be a spazz all my life?

Example: I used to think I could see peoples auras. Really. I did. But then, and this is honest to goodness truth, I had my eyes tested and it turns out it wasn't peoples auras, it was just that everything was just a little blurry.

Also, I once had to pretend - for 30 days - that I was deaf in my right ear on a Contiki tour because I made the mistake of ignoring someones conversation and then used the excuse that I was deaf in one ear and so didn't know that they were talking to me. Too late did I notice the hearing aid of the guy sitting next to me.... that was one looooong month.

So, since the weird pain in my chest and the ever so slight tingly feeling in my arm has not gone away, I shall rule out anything serious.... after all, I could just be lifting too heavy weights perhaps. I mean, I read about a guy today, 570kgs - now how come he doesn't have a weird pain in his chest huh?????

HUH???

2 weeks and 6 days

or

20 days

or

480 hours

or

28800 minutes

or

1728000 seconds
oh no I mean 1727999 seconds
1727998
no 1727997
um 1727996
nope 1727995...
you get the picture.