Neglected, rejected and dejected.

When I was a kid, I dealt with rejection fairly swiftly, mostly by crying to my Mother. She would always assure me that the rejector was an idiot and that I was, quite simply put, The Best. (My Mum is awesome by the way!)

That would be enough back then. Just to be told by my Mum or Dad that I was special and before I knew it, something else would distract me and I would be feeling happy in no time.

As we get older though, it becomes increasingly difficult.

When I was a teenager, I was, it is more than safe to say, the one on the shelf. Rejection of the heart is not as easy to explain to a spotty teen compared to why you were not invited to Briget De Ferdinando's birthday party, however, my Mum would still assure me that the rejector/s were idiots and I was still, The Best.

Then I made the stupid decision to be a performer. A life BUILT on rejection. You have all heard it before, actors traipsing from audition to audition to get one damn role. I have done not too badly in my time - nothing to write home about sure, but have landed a few gigs a year, enough to keep me well flown across states and sometimes continents. Although I have had my share of disappointments.

I learnt early on, as the "average looking girl", that not only was I not destined to be in huge demand, that I would also not necessarily want many of the jobs that come my way.
Any potential part that has the description "she's a big girl but we want to love her" or "a pretty face with generous curves" or "everyday" and even on occasion "she is fat" are usually parts I have been put forward for. I am not trying to be funny here, I have seen the briefs for these parts. I am THAT girl.
Over the years I have made amends with my niche look and generally avoid anything that would probably make me feel bad. One of the ways I had combated this was to throw myself into the world of music and improvised comedy - where I can be anything I want to. Even a not-everyday-looking person - because that's the beauty of something you make up. Even you cannot really know what you are going to be endowed as, so there are no preconceptions. Just potential.
Improv has been very good for me and my self-esteem. I have been privileged and delighted over the last five years to have performed in many shows and festivals and really, rejection has not been something I have really thought about in a long time. I have gone for auditions during this time, for TV shows and commercials, those that I have been unsuccessful in I have not really thought too much on it. There seems to be no point losing sleep over it.

Until last week.

It seemed that everyone, EVERYONE was on the receiving end of an audition. Something any improviser would have loved to be a part of. Something very cool. Over three days it became clear that a heap of my colleagues, peers - friends - were called up and slotted in at a convenient time to show off their skills.

Except me.

I did not get a call. I did not get an email. I had been rejected. Worst still, I had been neglected. I was not even in the running. At first, my reaction was a tad disappointed. However as the days went by and more people seemed to be "getting the call" I became upset. Very upset. I was angry and jealous. I wanted to be happy for my friends, but my own dismay was preventing me from genuinely being able to enjoy their successes. And why should I not be happy for them? I know some of the most beautiful talented people on the planet. I really do. I would love nothing more than to see these wonderful people shine before the world.

My dark, heavy heart just would not let me.

So how, as an adult, can I deal with this? Unlike other events that have dented my self-confidence, this one has really taken a hit. I am not recovering like I used to.
What I really want to do is to throw a massive tantrum. I want to cry. I want my Mum to give me a hug and tell me that I am The Best. I won't actually allow her to call anyone an idiot, heaven forbid I ever want to work in this town again!

I can feel myself bouncing back a little bit. Just as I am writing this, I have been called by my agent with the news that I am on a "strong hold" for a TV commercial I went for. This is great news and the opposite of rejection. Maybe its true what they say about closing doors and windows opening.
Or maybe they are all idiots and like my Mum says, I really am The Best? She is probably biased though.

But she is awesome.